Broken

I feel broken.

It started this morning on my way to school listening to Pink's Greatest Hits.  Everyone knows there are a handful of musicians that you considered to be on the top of your list and I know that Pink was pretty high up there.  I don't think it's something you would have shouted to the heavens or paid money to go to a concert but I know you liked her music.  Nonetheless, listening the the album sent me spinning through a tangent of memories, like I do.  It made me think of Charlie's Angels 2 cause she has a single on that soundtrack and it just went from there.  On my way home, I was listening to Madonna, which again....sent me on a trail.  I sometimes feel like I'm damned it if I do and, well you know.  I spend time filling my life with things that will keep you close to me but in the same breath.....I spend my time filling my life with things that will keep you close to me.  I watched the hilarious part from the Justice League episode where Zatanna beats the hell out of Circe with furniture and laughed my head off like always but it made me think about when you and I watched it together and that made me sad.  Harry Potter is at the theater and I want to go see it desperately but I don't have you to go see it with.  I think that's probably whats killing me right now.  Not getting to finish what we started.  I know, I know I can watch it but it's not the same without you.  I miss my friend so much that it hurts.  I have surrounded myself with amazing friends and people that care about me but my heart is still empty.  I'll get through this like everything else but it doesn't begin to change the fact that you're gone and I don't have you.

How it ends

Sean,

I can't really believe that its been over 2 months since I wrote last. I take that as a very good sign though. Each and every day, I wake up and you are in my thoughts. Hell there are some days where I still get reminded of you every few minutes. I was thinking about how I was actually a bit envious cause you've seen it all now. Literally. All the new tv shows and movies, all the new books and music artists. You know how it all ends or if it actually does end. Trish and I are soldiering on. You're gonna have big work with her. Just wanted to say I haven't forgotten you and I think you know that.

I love you and spend every day missing you.

Graduation

Sean,

On Tuesday, I am graduating from one college to go to another college. I will take with me an Associates degree on my way to bigger and better things. My life is moving on and I don't think I can stop the forward momentum. Every day that I do something, every day that I wake up and go to work, I move one step further from you. I hate that. I hate that the process of me living my life is taking me away from you. I hate the fact that I have to leave you further and further behind in order to keep moving forward. I know that you are in my heart and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you. Hell, there isn't an hour that goes by on most days.

Just missing you tonight.

Wes

Home

Kristen Chenoweth was back on Glee tonight and all the songs except Fire by Bruce Springsteen and Beautiful by X-tina were all about home. About finding someone that helps to make a house a home and knowing that person will be there to be with you when times get rough. You were my home. You made this residence something worth having and I selfishly want that back. I want you back in my life to make our house a home again. I miss you so terribly right now and it's not fair. Everything in here reminds me of you and my heart hurt tonight.

I was talking to Trish about it the other day and the reason I don't want to watch any tv shows is when I delete one, it takes me one further from you. We were watching episodes of Supernatural that had recorded before you died and it made me incredibly sad to see commercials for tv that was happening during that time. The episode of Smallville that had the Justice Society in it happened on Friday. I will probably never forget that now.

I hope that things are good where you are and that you get to see and do amazing things. I miss my home and don't know if I will ever have one again.

Love you, babe

Ay, yi, yi....

Sean,

Just when I think I have things all under control and I am in command of everything in my life, something creeps up and slaps the shit out of me to remind me that I'm really not. Everything I see, everywhere I look, hell even things I think about make me think about you. Don't get me wrong...I wouldn't have it any other way but I just feel like somedays I can get by with my thoughts being my own. I would trade everything I have and most of who I am to see your face again. I want to sit and watch youtube videos of 80s cartoons, I want to go see new movies with you. I want to be able to do all those things I took for granted and this time know that each and every single one of those moments is special.

I keep trying to tell myself to live my life with no regrets but I fail miserably every time I think that way. I want my old life back. The one that had you in it. The one where we made a whole person instead of me sitting here alone. I want your cooking back and I want you to tell me I'm doing something wrong. Mostly I want the pain to go away. That's my biggest problem, I can't stop hurting. I can force myself to focus on something else and I can make myself do the things I know I need to do but I can't make myself stop missing you. And I don't know if I would if I actually could.

Missing you like crazy, babe

Wes

P.S. Here's some Kidd Video for you.

I feel the change comin’

Sean,

The past 2 days have been pretty rough. It started with hearing Miss Didi Ross on the radio yesterday morning singing Remember Me. I had never heard that song before but it immediately made me think of you as words that you would tell me if you had the chance. So I started crying during that song while driving then it went into Weekend in New England by Barry Manilow. Again a song I had never heard but it totally hit me in the heart too. It amazes me how some days are amazing and I can make it through without issue and others like the past 2 have hurt like hell. Went to Ava's birthday party today and just cried through it. I mean hells bells. I will get better but some days it's just hard. I love you and you know that.

Here are some words from Barry. I am becoming quite the Fanilow. LOL

We started a story
Whose end must now wait

And, tell me
When will our eyes meet
When can I touch you
When will this strong yearning end
And when will I hold you again

Miss You Babe

Wes

Remember Me

Bye baby, see you around
Didn't I tell you I wouldn't hold you down
Take good care of yourself, y'hear
Don't let me hear about you shedding a tear
You're gonna make it
You're gonna make it

Remember me as a sunny day
That you once had, along the way
Didn't I inspire you a little higher
Remember me as a funny clown
That made you laugh when you were down
Didn't I boy, didn't I boy

Remember me as a big balloon
At a carnival that ended too soon
Remember me as a breath of spring
Remember me as a good thing

Bye baby, see you around
I already know about the new love you've found
What can I do but wish you well
What we had was really swell
I won't forget it, No, I have no regrets

Remember me as a sound of laughter
And my face the morning after
Didn't the sky beckon us to fly?
Yes, you'll remember the times we fought
But don't forget me in your tender thoughts
Please darlin' oh yeah

Remember me when you drink the wine
Of sweet success and I gave you my best
Remember me with every song you sing
Remember me as a good thing

Remember me as a sunny day
Please darling, remember me as a good thing
Remember me when you drink the wine
Ah, Yeah
Remember me as a good thing
Baby, oh Yeah
Remember me as a good thing
Remember me

Keep keepin on

Sean,

The semester is almost over which draws and end to my time at OCTC. I am glad to be graduating and look forward to going to WKU next semester. I'm still getting used to the whole work thing and my body doesn't really like it. I need to get in bed earlier but getting home from school and cooking and all that puts my "me" time ending around 11. I guess I'll just have to have less of it so that I can get in bed earlier. I mowed the yard on the riding mower all by my self. I am gonna wait til Sunday to do it again when Steven can help me with changing the oil. You're check came. But you know that. I just wanted to check in with you cause I hadn't in a while.

I love you and always will.

Wes

2 months

Sean,

So today marks 2 months. I still can't believe it's real. I don't want to believe it's real. You are still the first thing that I think of when I wake up and you are the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. It's been a helluva time since Jan. 30. You know there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss you. I miss your smile, your laugh, your silly ass when you ask for some chips and cheese. I miss your cooking and your bitching and your control. I miss your mechanical mind and I miss your loving heart. There are so many things that I miss about you and I hope that I never get to a point where I don't miss them. You are loved by many and you touched more people that you possibly know. I will always love you. Hell you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

One of my mentors wrote this to me the other day:

Wes, you are traveling through the looking glass slowly, my grief has made a path for you..you will have a depth of compassion inside of you that you did not know could exist. That compassion will give insight into the souls of men. Men and women who need healing, the only kind of healing that your wounded, mended heart can give.

Isn't that amazing. I mean it is something that I hope I can live up to and advice I can share with others. I'm going to shut up now and take myself to work. You are never too far away from me and I will never let you go. I may move on a bit but only with the knowledge you are eternally riding shotgun in my passenger seat.

I love you baby and hope the sun is shining on you and you are having a blast. Try not to worry too much about me, we got this - you and I. We can do it together.

Love Always,

Wes

It's been a minute

Sean,

I haven't sat down and written to you in a few days but things have been a bit hectic. I know that is in no way a reason not to write you a letter but it's the excuse I am gonna stick with. So you know I got a job. We're dealing with that as it comes.

We had Chuck and Deb, Robbie, Lauren and the kids down tonight for a Princess and the Frog party. Ava was sitting on our bed and I pointed at the picture of us and asked her who you were and she remembered your name. I am gonna make sure she never forgets you or who you were. I made cupcakes for her tonight. Used a tip on an icing bag and everything. It was hard but fun. Princess and the Frog made me sad. Sad cause it was about New Orleans and sad cause you knew the movie was coming out. Not that you had any desire to see it, probably - you just knew it was coming out.

I've made more friends and I have been going out on the weekends. It gives me something to do. Lets me meet people and interact. I wish I could hear back from you. I mean like correspondence. You write me a letter back and let me know how the afterlife is and who you met and how your days are and all that.

I talked to the transfer counselor at Western and we made a tentative schedule for my classes and all that for fall. I am only going to have to go to school for a year and a half before I get my bachelors now. Pretty damned stoked about it.

I want to talk to you everyday and I want to hear your laugh again. I miss you, sweet baby.

Wes

Stages of Grief

Sean,

One of the things I have come to actually realize over the past couple of days is that the stages of grief are fluid. It seems that I am moving back and forward through them instead of in a straight line. I don't like this and I am not happy in the least about it. What I am finding I have the biggest issue with right now is with denial. Denial is kicking the shit out of me because for whatever reason, my brain is lulling me into thinking that you will just come walking through the door at any time. You are gone to work or your are out of town or whatever then when my logic kicks back in, it's almost like I go through a much minor event like when you actually died. I have to tell myself again that you are dead and it is like a knife to the heart all over again. I hate it and it's not fair. I thought that when I was done with denial, I would get to move on to the next one and feel it and continue through the damn steps.

I don't have to tell you that I miss you, that's freaking obvious so I will just say that I love you.

Wes

Empty

Mexico

Sean,

We should be finishing up our adventure in Calica. The Mayan ruins would have been amazing to see and I would have taken so many pictures to bore everyone with. I had a moment a little while ago and my heart hurt so bad thinking about this. I posted a thing on Facebook with a Selena video for you. I guess with Brad's dad dying and all and attending the visitation yesterday, I am a bit raw. I hate that I go on every day without you and I hate that you aren't here to help me through the days. But there's really nothing I can do. I miss you so much (like you didn't already know that) and it hurts some days with every heartbeat. I will continue to push forward a day at a time and make it through.

Love you,

Wes

Funerals

Sean,

Went to the visitation of Brad's dad today. It didn't suck but it made me miss you a tremendous amount. That's where things are now....missing you alot.

Nuff said.

Wes

Putting Things Off

Sean,

Well we were supposed to be on a boat in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico today. Spent a great deal of time thinking about putting things off, letting life get in the way, finding something more interesting....etc, etc. We had so many places we were going to go. We were going to do so many things. Movies coming out, new tv shows to watch. Hell....movies and tv shows on the DVR that we never got to watch. Wall-E and Kung Fu Panda are still on the DVR and I can't even think about deleting them. You never got to see them and that hurts me. Movies coming out in the theater that you never got to see. It's all the business left incomplete, that's probably some of the hardest stuff. We didn't make it back to St. Louis, we didn't go to New Orleans, didn't get to Savannah or Charleston. I will try my damndest to get to all those places and create my own memories and I know that you'll be sharing in them with me. Wish you were here to watch dumb old tv with.

Miss you babe,

Wes

Unanswered Questions

Sean,

I never really had to do a whole lot of thinking before. If there was something I didn't know, I would just turn to you. You seemed to have a wealth of information that never stopped. It didn't matter the subject, you knew something about it. To me, that was freaking amazing. It didn't matter if it was car maintenance or yard work or music and movies. Well I got you beat on the music and movies front. But there are things that you've left for me to have to figure out on my own. I guess that makes me a better person for having to do that and to learn these things by myself but it doesn't mean I have to like it in the least bit. The weekend wasn't horrible. Wasn't the best, wasn't the worst. Had fun at the bar.

Miss You,

Wes

Television

Sean,

I just watched the first recorded episode of Grey's since you died. And I decided to watch it alone. Perhaps not the best idea. I pretty much cried through the entire episode and have been crying since. It kinda opened up the hole in my chest. It was a good episode, I would have cried with you sitting there anyway. You probably would have laughed at me but probably not. I think that even though there were times that you laughed at me crying over stupid shit or over tv shows, it was your way of loving me more. I know that those were some of the things that you loved about me, the fact that I did cry over ASPCA commercials or something happening on tv. I'm gonna keep watching our shows because they were ours. And I am probably gonna cry over them. I know that now. I figure Grey's was the hardest one to watch so I did it. Ripped the band aid off and now I can let the wound get some air.

I'm gonna have lunch with Michael Warga. It'll be good to see him out and about. Then I put out an open invitation to my friends to come have dinner with me at the new place in town. I think you might have taken me there just to see it but you would have hated the food.

My heart misses you a lot babe and I am hurting today,

Wes

Retail Therapy

Sean,

So things have been ok the past couple of days. There have been moments. But thats to be expected. Let's see....I was passed over for a job because I was over qualified, I spent over $400 on Amazon.com, and I still don't go to sleep at a decent hour. So yeah there are moments. Sometimes I cry when I sing in the car, but that's ok. There are songs I don't want to listen to yet.

Everything I bought off Amazon means something to me through you. Farscape, Stonewall, Trick, Rites of Passage, all the animated movies. They are all part of us. All movies that we watched and loved together. It still amazes me just how much our lives were influenced and affected by movies. It shouldn't surprise me because of how many hours we spent watching tv and going to the movies and all that. I think Trish are gonna watch a lot of movies coming up. Spending all that money at Amazon was done kind of intentionally because I wanted to do it but some of it was also accidental. It's done and I don't feel bad about it, really.

I opened the Netflix account back up. We had that for a long time. That account was opened like in 2004 or something like that. Maybe even earlier. So thats something I didn't want to do without. I'll figure out something when it comes to paying for the account

I'm gonna fire the grief counselor.

1. He pissed me off and I don't like the outcome with Trish. I told you about that. I don't like it in the least bit.
2. I think that with my friends, family and this blog I am gonna make it through this. There are so many people that are pulling for me, I can do this. I know that I've said this over and over and over, I hate the fact that I have to do this without you but I'll do it.

Miss you babe,

Wes

Body Memories

Sean,

So last night I couldn't breathe. All day yesterday I had this image lingering in my head. It just danced around the outside edges of my mind and never came to close....kinda like you see the wild animals and campfires in those stupid movies. So here is this image just kinda dancing away. When I got home last night and sat down in front of the computer, the campfire went out and in rushed the rabid wolf. I was attacked and held hostage by my own emotions. While I was sitting in front of Facebook, Serenity logged on and I grabbed her to help me fend off the attacker. As I am telling her what's going on, my safeguards and all that fall and I melt. I had one of the most spectacular meltdowns I've had so far. This one was bad enough I actually could't breathe. Now I know you are tired of all this drama and build up...but it's my letter and my story so I can do it how I please. I'll get there. Anyway.....tear streaming, snot pouring and oxygen depleting I type out the following in Facebook chat to Reny:

I had made him sit in the chair to watch tv. He had already told me that he couldn't see any details and could only make out shapes. I handed him the remote and put the channel on Lie to Me on Fox. Our DVR automatically switches channels when its time to record something else and it switched to America's Best Dance Crew on MTV and he couldn't figure out how to change the channel back. Its just this god damn picture in my head of him staring at the remote and not knowing how to work it. When you see someone that has been your rock and your center in that place...it just really really hurts and it didn't hurt then....but its killing me now.

You see...That is the actual moment that I knew I had to get you to the hospital. I mean the lights were flashing, the sirens were blaring and all the cartoon arrows in the world were pointing the way. Now looking at it, my heart hurts over this and I can see you in the damn chair looking at the remote and you can't figure it out. You programmed it. You picked it out in the store and for me to see you not being able to use it....something was wrong. Even this morning, I thought I would be ok to write this to you but it still hurts me. Just reliving that image makes me feel very very sad.

Reny did her best to help me through it. She talked me down but I had to just cry and I did. I am still waiting on the big big cry I know I have hidden away in there somewhere. I'm still too reserved.

I did consume an entire box of Girl Scout Cookies right after the meltdown though. It seemed to help.

I'll continue to push through this and do my best but there are gonna be more moments like this. Shauna told me they are "'body memories'. Something small will trigger that moment and your body immediately remembers that moment and brings the memory to the surface. All of your senses usually come back and you can smell, see, hear, etc...how you felt at that moment." I'm not really looking forward to them but I'll do my best.

With a hurting heart, I miss you babe

Wes

Family

Sean,

I cooked dinner for the family tonight. I got all the invitations out and let everyone know what the menu was and all that. See you know as well as I do that you can't just invite one family to dinner in this house, you have to invite them all. Regardless of whether or not you want them here, you still have to invite them. So the invitations went out. Everyone was called, all the arrangements were made and groceries bought. Food is fucking expensive. The people that I knew wouldn't be here weren't and all that so we had more than we needed. Everyone loved it and couldn't stop letting me know how good it was. I am trying to take the compliments at face value but I have a hard time with that. I have thought about you on and off over the past few days. I haven't had a really good crying fit in a few days so I think thats good. I know sometimes I am gonna need to cry and when it gets ready for that to happen....bring it on.

I applied for a job today and when I was leaving the office, I thought to myself....Sean is looking out for me again. This time it started 11 years ago when you saw potential in me and had me create a skill within myself. I spent the next 7 years working on that skill and making it better. So here I am, in dire need of additional income and an office job drops in my lap where they need someone who can make flyers. Really?!? That's a requirement? Making flyers. I think I can do that. Actually I can use 3 different pieces of software to do that. So there you are again... Making sure I am taken care of by fostering a skill in me.

I wish you were here today to share in all this with me. I miss being able to hear your voice and being able to bore you or make you laugh or whatever. I ordered stuff off Amazon today. A bunch of it, well actually all of it means something to the both of us. Obvious things like New Moon and Farscape and not so obvious like Rights of Passage and Stonewall. I hate the fact that I now assign memories to objects to help me have you in my life. It shouldn't be this way but I don't have much choice.

Oh I am super pissed at the grief counselor. I think he let Trish's way of hiding things provide an out for her. I don't think she gave herself room to work with him and I don't think she afforded herself permission to feel things with him. Part of me feel like she did this on purpose just to make me shut up and another part knows that she has to want to do this. I wish he would have pushed a bit harder because I don't think she is going to work through this. I can't say anything to her because then I am meddling. All in all, I am not happy with the outcome. I'll decide how I want to proceed with this after I bounce it off everyone else.

Missing you,

Wes

Peace?

Sean,

The past two days you haven't been the all encompassing though in my head. I still miss you and it still hurts like hell without you here but I have been able to do other things aside from mourn. I know that is where I am supposed to be. I know that is what I am supposed to do but I look at my dad and there are more times than not that I don't think about him. I don't know if I want that. I don't know if not having you on my mind all the time means I am forgetting you. I have enough problem thinking about living without you that forgetting you is so much harder. I don't want to do that. I don't want to forget you. EVER. I don't really like living without you. I don't like not having you here but being able to breathe a bit and being able to function a bit is good too, right? That doesn't mean that I am forgetting you, does it? I think I am feeling guilt. That's what this emotion is. Wayne tells me that I need to feel my emotions and deal with them as they happen, not sorta deal with them and push em aside. So I think this is guilt. You wouldn't want me to feel guilty and you would want me to be able to function, especially when it comes to school. But it kind of feels good to feel guilty too because I am at least feeling something and I'm not just numb. Here I go again analyzing and over-analyzing. I need to quit that. Even Wayne says so.

I love you baby and miss you,

Wes

Oh.....P.S. I went and had lunch with Danett and Lisa yesterday and it was great. We talked about you and school and so much stuff. It was awesome. Last night, I tried to watch Celtic Women and I couldn't move it passed where you had stopped it. Kinda like I didn't want to watch it without you. I am watching shows for you so that we can talk about em and you can make fun of me for being me about the shows. I can kinda focus on the shows and I get something out of them. I still haven't brought myself to watch the Smallville with the JSA in it cause you were looking forward to it. Any way, I need to get off here and vacuum this nasty floor so I can shave and get in the shower and go to school. I have a test I have to make up tonight for sign language.

New-ish Day

Sean,

I went to see the grief counselor this morning. At first I was worried but we talked about a lot. I was about to harden all up when the Christian thing came up but we worked through it. Wayne is a really nice guy and I think in all honesty, things were a bit weird in the beginning but he was able to meet me in the middle and we compromised on a few things. I think that by hearing things from him, as a social worker, made things easier. I heard several of the same things from other people but hearing them from him was just right. It was how things were supposed to be. I talked to him for almost 2 hours and never once did I really see him check a clock. He let me explore my emotions as much as I was comfortable enough to do so. I think because I am who I am, and because I have gone over this stuff and over this stuff so many times, it can maybe come off as rehearsed or practiced. He tells me that everything I am feeling is normal. That the despair in the pit of my stomach and the loneliness that is kicking my ass for days is totally normal.

What still surprises me is that in actuality you have only been gone for 3 weeks. Wayne pointed that out to me, the fact that 3 weeks is only like yesterday. I am/have been trying to rush through this. I have been trying to do anything I can to make sure I protect myself. I have been outwardly strong so that everyone doesn't see me as weak. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to feel the feelings and I don't want to open myself to actually feeling through this. I want to know the difference between feeling the feelings I am supposed to be feeling and what I have been doing. I don't know if I can handle opening myself up anymore. The spontaneous bouts of crying and all that would probably increase like 10 fold.

I did leave the session with him feeling a bit at piece. Doesn't mean I miss you any less but things just felt clearer. I also liked the fact that he didn't say that things were gonna easier but I would be able to become stronger and work with my feelings. He said that I was numb and that was normal. The numbness makes things a bit easier to process everything. He gave me a book about grief and there is quite a bit in it that I am already doing.

I have some exercises to do between now and my next session. And more than anything I need to stop expecting so much of myself. I need to just roll with the punches. Cause I think I am expecting to be on step 5 or whatever and there are no predefined steps or places I am supposed to be. I am just supposed to be. It's 11:28 and I am actually kinda sleepy tonight. I know that for the most part, my staying up all night was a condition of me hurting but I think some of it has also been an act of rebellion against any rules.

Every so often, I have the lingering feeling that you are just gonna walk through the door and bitch at me for moping around and not cleaning the bathroom and not vacuuming the floor. I try to go on and live how you want me to live, but it is very very hard. I also kinda feel like if I am able to make peace with this it diminishes what we had. I know thats nowhere near true but it doesn't make it any less of a real feeling. I hope that you are doing well and that your days are filled with happiness and you are safe. I know you're safe.

Missing you,

Wes

Equals

Sean,

This has been a helluva weekend. Yesterday I ran some errands. I renewed the Sam's membership - which they told me to leave it as a business membership. I bought some things we needed from Sam's and then I went to go have the oil changed at Wal-mart. They wanted me to wait an hour and a half. An hour and a half!! I was like there is no way I am gonna walk around Wal-mart for an hour and half so I'll go back on Wednesday to have it changed. I left there and went and hung out with Gary for a while, had dinner with him at Ninki. After dinner, I went to hang out with Charles (who says fuck a lot), and I was there til 10-ish. I made the decision to go to Equals last night. I went to the bar and the only person that I knew was David. He and I talked for a while then I sat in the corner of the bar, drank 2 beers and felt miserable. So much was going through my head. I was doing a bit of people watching, I was looking at guys but no one was lookin at me. It was pretty sad. Here I am, 33 years old, pretty overweight and alone at the bar. The thought of starting over at my age is pretty miserable.

We had 11 years together. We built a stable life, a comfortable life. We had 11 years worth of memories. I was able to go through our music and pick out songs that had special meaning to not only you but to me as well. Songs that meant something. It terrifies me that I won't have that. I won't have someone to pick out music that means something special to me.

Today was certainly interesting, Sharon Ann and her family came down and hung out all day. Then the rest of the family came for dinner. After dinner we did a lot of talking about you. I cried (go figure) a lot, actually. We walked through what happened leading up to and mostly through the trip to the ER and the ICU. I still need to go by the hospital and give a thank you card to Josh and Amanda. Lots of stuff was aired out today and it was very good.

I love you babe and will talk to you later. I have my first counseling meeting tomorrow. I'll let you know how that goes.

Wes

Doubt

Sean,

Today has been an ok day. I had a moment of doubt in the car. I was listening to Blake Lewis, an artist you weren't even familiar with, and I started singing to the cd and I guess thats what did it. The whole singing in the car. That is when I am learning I am the most unsure of myself. Being in the car is hard. I guess because there is silence and I have time to think. Thinking....that is a problem. My brain spins at too many RPMs and I can nver really stop so it's always on. I stayed up too late last night - 3 AM, which caused Trish to worry about me this morning when I didn't get out of bed til 11.

Hanging out with my friends has been kind of amazing because it gives me time to get out of my head. But then the guilt sets in because I can't call you and tell you about it or I can't drag you to bowling or anything like that anymore.

I guess I have a bit of denial every day because I always expect you to be there when I get home. I guess I spend too much time expecting too much from everyone but mostly myself. I just want you to be home when I get there and that will never happen so I am still trying to learn how to deal with that. I will never be ok with it but I guess I really have no option.

Miss you more and more every day.

Love,

Wes

Guilt

Sean,

Tonight, Stacie and Charles came down separately but ended up spending quite a bit of time here. We talked and told stories and laughed, then Stacie stayed and we watched Project Runway. I had a good time, but then I started to feel guilty because I had been laughing and having a good time without you. I am probably thinking too much about it or I am maybe wanting to feel guilty on purpose. Maybe it's me punishing myself or something. Anyway...I do miss you and you know that.

Love,

Wes

Pictures of You

Sean,

This song always had meaning to me but it now means so much more. I know that if I could hear angels, this is what they would sound like. I hope that you can hear this.

Love you,

Wes

From your brother

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

Ambition

Sean,

I think I not only have been too hasty with my feelings but I've also been far too ambitious with how I think my days should be. For right now, at least I am going to plan for the absolute worst everyday. I'm talking uncontrollable sobbing in public to not being able to function. I think that for my sanity I have to do this. I woke up again today and you were the first thing on my brain and I immediately started missing you. That lead to me not wanting to get out of bed. I know that all of this is part of the cycle. I know that I am supposed to be one with my feelings and all that other touchy feely shit but there are days where it's all too much without you. I know that I can get through this. I know that I even have the option to harden my heart and stop feeling these things but that would totally dishonor you. And you know I am one eye surgery away from being Asian. I know with every fiber of my being you hate that I am doing this and I am going through this. You spent so much time protecting me from everything that not being here to help me through this is torture on you. Rob tells me I need to pick an hour in the morning or an hour at night and just cry through the whole thing. I don't think that will stop all the other times during the day when I do it either.

I'm trying to be strong and all that rut but it's hard. I'll do better but I'm not making any promises from now on. All bets are off and I am going to feel what I feel and push through em no matter how long it takes.

Love,

Wes

Lesson Learned

Sean,

I think I learned something tonight. I took you for granted and I never actually talked to you enough and now I can't talk to you at all and it's killing me. I miss just being able to bore the shit out of you with a school story or act stupid and tickle you til you get that look on your face and tell me to stop. I don't have anyone to do that with anymore. I don't have anyone to share my space with. Just to know that you'd be there when I need you to be. There are minutes where I just don't want to do this without you at all and then I have minutes of absolute clarity and I know that I can go on to be the man you want me to be. Why do I have to do this without you. It's not fair at all.

Missing you a whole lot right now.

Wes

Resolve

Sean,

Today hasn't been terrible. I made an appointment with the grief counselor at hospice for myself and passed the information on to Trish about it. I told her that she has to take the step in making the appointment. I can't do that for her. She says she's gonna and I want to believe her.

I got 2 of my blog posts done for Sociology. Pretty excited about that. I think I am going to just consider the papers for Weather a loss. I may try to do them, I haven't decided yet. I texted Lauren about you and I know that she is having a hard time with this as well.

Like I said, my resolve is strong today and I will make it through. I love and miss you.

Wes

Justin

Sean,

Today wasn't too bad. School was good. I talked to my friend Justin for about 2 hours tonight. I think you would like him. He came to the hospital and and sat with me for a while on Friday. He really didn't know how to deal with the situation but he did his best. I looked through my cell to call someone just to talk about shit like we used to and I really don't have that person. There isn't anyone in my cell that I can just call and talk about anything with. I mean there are people that I can call, but those calls kind of have to have a purpose. I could call you to tell you I saw a purple bird flying over my car and you would let me tell you about it even though you hated talking on the phone.

I talked to Trish about going to see a grief counselor tonight. She said she was interested and I think she needs to do it. She has some unresolved issues that I know have been haunting her for years. I hope she is able to go see the counselor and I hope she is able to get something out of it. Truth be told, I need to go see them too.

I'm gonna go take some medicine and probably get in bed

Miss you babe

Wes

Something Happened on the Way to Heaven

Sean,

I woke up this morning with this in my head. I remember when we heard that comedian say that there were only two creatures in the world that could hear Deborah Cox's voice and that was dogs and gay men. Still missing you today but I am having a better day than yesterday.

I love you babe

Wes

My Brain

Sean,

I'm not sure what I am supposed to do. I mean it's very hard for me to focus. I've tried doing my homework today and I just had no desire to read those articles for Sociology. I did take my test for Stats and made 130/150 on it. Only because I got pissed off at the data. You are pretty much all I can think about and I know that is actually not necessarily a good thing. I need to get out of the house tomorrow so I am praying the roads are clear enough to drive on. I don't want to move on without you, but I gotta try because if I stay stuck where I am today, I am gonna go crazy and I know you don't want that. I think I am primed and ready for a severe bout of depression to set in and neither one of us need that.

Oh, your cousin did some stupid shit today. He moved to right outside of Chicago with family he met yesterday. I know, right!!!! How bizarre is that shit. I got him with a pretty good zinger for you too.

Love you always,

Wes

Homework

Sean,

I'm trying and trying to get caught up on this homework, but I just can't focus. I have read the article but I just can't get it to make sense. I wish I could but I don't know. I am gonna keep trying but my brain pan is empty.

Love ya

Wes

Feelings

Sean,

I don't know if I ever actually told you this out loud, I know I said it more than once to different people over the past 11 years. But I kinda had a philosophy about how you knew when you were in love with some one and it goes a little something like this:

You know you are in love when the first thought in your mind upon waking is of that someone and the last thought before sleep is of that someone.

I'm quite sure that someone famous said that just as I have or they said it better than I did. But what I need to know is what if that someone is on your mind all day and all night. I know there were times over the past 11 years where the feelings weren't the strongest and there may have been times when the "I Love You's" were said out of habit. But today and probably for every day in the rest of my life, I will never make the mistake of taking my feelings for you for granted. I will never utter those 3 words without knowing in my heart of hearts they are absolute.

I think about you more now than I ever did in our relationship and I did take it for granted that there would be a tomorrow and a tomorrow after that. I now find myself glomming onto anything that we shared together. I watch mostly programs on TV that we enjoyed together just so that I can share in the memories we made during that tiny block of time.

I miss you baby and know beyond a shadow of a doubt I do love you.

Wes

Wow. Just Wow.

I know that you never really liked Kenny Chesney, but this song just pretty much expressed everything I'm feeling right now. I know it's only been a few days but I will always want to know who you'd be today.

I love you, baby

Wes

No Heroics

Sean,

My friend John, you met him at the bowling alley, downloaded all of No Heroics for me and I've watched the first episode and it's not bad at all. You would like some of it and the rest I think you'd call stupid shit.

Love,

Wes

School and Graduation

Hey Sean,

I was gonna grab my cell and call you on my way home from hangin with the game guild on Friday and let you know what was going on with my school. You know how much trouble I was having with Trig before you died, well after missing 2 weeks worth of classes there is no way I can get caught up. I know, I know....you would tell me I am full of shit and that I could do it if I wanted to. Well truth be told...I really don't want to do it. I don't want to jeopardize the rest of my grades and my potential graduation for that one class so I dropped it. Not only did I drop that class but I changed majors to an AA so I can still graduate in May. You know that I am gonna graduate and I am gonna continue with my education. I have to. Before it was all about me, now my education is totally dedicated to you and your memory.

I love you baby and miss you.

Love,

Wes

Valentine's Day

Each and every day I miss Sean more and more. People keep telling me that it will get better and it will bet easier in the future but the hurt never goes away. Today, I am trapped in the house, I don't feel good and I miss the hell out of him. On top of that....it's Valentines Day. Now this has never really been a holiday we really celebrated because Sean wasn't one for sweeping romantic gestures but still I have lost my Valentine. I started going through flash drives and our external hard drive just to see if the was some other-worldly message from him telling me what to do and how I should feel. As I was going through the documents on our computer, well mostly his since I use my laptop most exclusively I found this:

My primary I-Thou relationship is with my partner, Wes. We have lived together for almost nine years. For the first couple of years, I tried to keep things separate. He had his bills and I had mine. He had his things and I had mine. It turned out that it was just too difficult to maintain things that way. Everything is now ours. We own property together and our bills are joint accounts. We also share the responsibility of caring for my mother. Without him, nothing about me is complete and I know he feels the same way about me. When we communicate, sometimes no words are spoken. I can read his face and body language and know what’s on his mind. We share our good days and bad days at work as well as in life. I have helped him come to terms with his family’s attitudes toward him as an individual as well as with us as a couple. My family has taken him in as one of their own. That has been a new experience for him because he has never had a close family.

I knew how he felt about me and I knew there were times that his feelings for me were probably stronger than mine for him. That excerpt was from a paper he was writing back in 2007 while attepmpting to go back to school. Here he is being open and honest about me in a paper and I have had a difficult time acknowledging his presence while at school.

"Without him, nothing about me is complete and I know he feels the same way about me.", he says with certainty. If he only knew how true that statement is/was. I hate the fact that I will never get to tell him those words and I hate how I took him for granted and I hate that he did share with me just how sick he was.

Joseph Sean Minnis, my life will never ever be the same without you and I will struggle on somehow without you. But things just don't have the same meaning at all. Living life without the person that saw the very best in me just doesn't have the same meaning.