2 months

Sean,

So today marks 2 months. I still can't believe it's real. I don't want to believe it's real. You are still the first thing that I think of when I wake up and you are the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. It's been a helluva time since Jan. 30. You know there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss you. I miss your smile, your laugh, your silly ass when you ask for some chips and cheese. I miss your cooking and your bitching and your control. I miss your mechanical mind and I miss your loving heart. There are so many things that I miss about you and I hope that I never get to a point where I don't miss them. You are loved by many and you touched more people that you possibly know. I will always love you. Hell you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

One of my mentors wrote this to me the other day:

Wes, you are traveling through the looking glass slowly, my grief has made a path for you..you will have a depth of compassion inside of you that you did not know could exist. That compassion will give insight into the souls of men. Men and women who need healing, the only kind of healing that your wounded, mended heart can give.

Isn't that amazing. I mean it is something that I hope I can live up to and advice I can share with others. I'm going to shut up now and take myself to work. You are never too far away from me and I will never let you go. I may move on a bit but only with the knowledge you are eternally riding shotgun in my passenger seat.

I love you baby and hope the sun is shining on you and you are having a blast. Try not to worry too much about me, we got this - you and I. We can do it together.

Love Always,

Wes

It's been a minute

Sean,

I haven't sat down and written to you in a few days but things have been a bit hectic. I know that is in no way a reason not to write you a letter but it's the excuse I am gonna stick with. So you know I got a job. We're dealing with that as it comes.

We had Chuck and Deb, Robbie, Lauren and the kids down tonight for a Princess and the Frog party. Ava was sitting on our bed and I pointed at the picture of us and asked her who you were and she remembered your name. I am gonna make sure she never forgets you or who you were. I made cupcakes for her tonight. Used a tip on an icing bag and everything. It was hard but fun. Princess and the Frog made me sad. Sad cause it was about New Orleans and sad cause you knew the movie was coming out. Not that you had any desire to see it, probably - you just knew it was coming out.

I've made more friends and I have been going out on the weekends. It gives me something to do. Lets me meet people and interact. I wish I could hear back from you. I mean like correspondence. You write me a letter back and let me know how the afterlife is and who you met and how your days are and all that.

I talked to the transfer counselor at Western and we made a tentative schedule for my classes and all that for fall. I am only going to have to go to school for a year and a half before I get my bachelors now. Pretty damned stoked about it.

I want to talk to you everyday and I want to hear your laugh again. I miss you, sweet baby.

Wes

Stages of Grief

Sean,

One of the things I have come to actually realize over the past couple of days is that the stages of grief are fluid. It seems that I am moving back and forward through them instead of in a straight line. I don't like this and I am not happy in the least about it. What I am finding I have the biggest issue with right now is with denial. Denial is kicking the shit out of me because for whatever reason, my brain is lulling me into thinking that you will just come walking through the door at any time. You are gone to work or your are out of town or whatever then when my logic kicks back in, it's almost like I go through a much minor event like when you actually died. I have to tell myself again that you are dead and it is like a knife to the heart all over again. I hate it and it's not fair. I thought that when I was done with denial, I would get to move on to the next one and feel it and continue through the damn steps.

I don't have to tell you that I miss you, that's freaking obvious so I will just say that I love you.

Wes

Empty

Mexico

Sean,

We should be finishing up our adventure in Calica. The Mayan ruins would have been amazing to see and I would have taken so many pictures to bore everyone with. I had a moment a little while ago and my heart hurt so bad thinking about this. I posted a thing on Facebook with a Selena video for you. I guess with Brad's dad dying and all and attending the visitation yesterday, I am a bit raw. I hate that I go on every day without you and I hate that you aren't here to help me through the days. But there's really nothing I can do. I miss you so much (like you didn't already know that) and it hurts some days with every heartbeat. I will continue to push forward a day at a time and make it through.

Love you,

Wes

Funerals

Sean,

Went to the visitation of Brad's dad today. It didn't suck but it made me miss you a tremendous amount. That's where things are now....missing you alot.

Nuff said.

Wes

Putting Things Off

Sean,

Well we were supposed to be on a boat in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico today. Spent a great deal of time thinking about putting things off, letting life get in the way, finding something more interesting....etc, etc. We had so many places we were going to go. We were going to do so many things. Movies coming out, new tv shows to watch. Hell....movies and tv shows on the DVR that we never got to watch. Wall-E and Kung Fu Panda are still on the DVR and I can't even think about deleting them. You never got to see them and that hurts me. Movies coming out in the theater that you never got to see. It's all the business left incomplete, that's probably some of the hardest stuff. We didn't make it back to St. Louis, we didn't go to New Orleans, didn't get to Savannah or Charleston. I will try my damndest to get to all those places and create my own memories and I know that you'll be sharing in them with me. Wish you were here to watch dumb old tv with.

Miss you babe,

Wes

Unanswered Questions

Sean,

I never really had to do a whole lot of thinking before. If there was something I didn't know, I would just turn to you. You seemed to have a wealth of information that never stopped. It didn't matter the subject, you knew something about it. To me, that was freaking amazing. It didn't matter if it was car maintenance or yard work or music and movies. Well I got you beat on the music and movies front. But there are things that you've left for me to have to figure out on my own. I guess that makes me a better person for having to do that and to learn these things by myself but it doesn't mean I have to like it in the least bit. The weekend wasn't horrible. Wasn't the best, wasn't the worst. Had fun at the bar.

Miss You,

Wes

Television

Sean,

I just watched the first recorded episode of Grey's since you died. And I decided to watch it alone. Perhaps not the best idea. I pretty much cried through the entire episode and have been crying since. It kinda opened up the hole in my chest. It was a good episode, I would have cried with you sitting there anyway. You probably would have laughed at me but probably not. I think that even though there were times that you laughed at me crying over stupid shit or over tv shows, it was your way of loving me more. I know that those were some of the things that you loved about me, the fact that I did cry over ASPCA commercials or something happening on tv. I'm gonna keep watching our shows because they were ours. And I am probably gonna cry over them. I know that now. I figure Grey's was the hardest one to watch so I did it. Ripped the band aid off and now I can let the wound get some air.

I'm gonna have lunch with Michael Warga. It'll be good to see him out and about. Then I put out an open invitation to my friends to come have dinner with me at the new place in town. I think you might have taken me there just to see it but you would have hated the food.

My heart misses you a lot babe and I am hurting today,

Wes

Retail Therapy

Sean,

So things have been ok the past couple of days. There have been moments. But thats to be expected. Let's see....I was passed over for a job because I was over qualified, I spent over $400 on Amazon.com, and I still don't go to sleep at a decent hour. So yeah there are moments. Sometimes I cry when I sing in the car, but that's ok. There are songs I don't want to listen to yet.

Everything I bought off Amazon means something to me through you. Farscape, Stonewall, Trick, Rites of Passage, all the animated movies. They are all part of us. All movies that we watched and loved together. It still amazes me just how much our lives were influenced and affected by movies. It shouldn't surprise me because of how many hours we spent watching tv and going to the movies and all that. I think Trish are gonna watch a lot of movies coming up. Spending all that money at Amazon was done kind of intentionally because I wanted to do it but some of it was also accidental. It's done and I don't feel bad about it, really.

I opened the Netflix account back up. We had that for a long time. That account was opened like in 2004 or something like that. Maybe even earlier. So thats something I didn't want to do without. I'll figure out something when it comes to paying for the account

I'm gonna fire the grief counselor.

1. He pissed me off and I don't like the outcome with Trish. I told you about that. I don't like it in the least bit.
2. I think that with my friends, family and this blog I am gonna make it through this. There are so many people that are pulling for me, I can do this. I know that I've said this over and over and over, I hate the fact that I have to do this without you but I'll do it.

Miss you babe,

Wes