Another Chapter Closed

I remember sitting in the theater four years ago probably to this exact day watching a movie that from the onset I should have loved.  It was a romance.  It had action and adventure and more than anything it had vampires.  So all in all, it should have been a win-win.  It wasn't and I found myself bored at times and then when the big reveal happened and the vampire didn't burst into flames in the sunlight, I found myself a tad disgusted.  But you loved it.  You loved every minute of it.  Then a year later, we went to see the sequel and I was there with you all the way.  You didn't want to read the books because you didn't want the visual experience ruined.  So we watched as Bella tried to commit suicide and all that.  I remember there's a scene after Edward had left that she was so distraught all she could do was lay in bed and scream.  I don't know how many times I used that scene as an example of what it feels like to have your heart ripped out of your chest.

So here I was, in the middle of this saga and then the third movie was going to come out a year later...in 2010.  In November of that year, I was still pretty much a mess as I remember it.  Charles went with me in your stead and we made it through that movie and the subsequent film.  I am now sitting here, almost to the day and I am writing because today, I finished the saga without you.  As the credits rolled and they featured all the main cast the emotion washed over me and I sat and cried.  I cried on the way home and I've cried writing this.  I miss you still to this day.  With each thing that we started that I finish without you makes me hurt a little more.  There are days that I still get angry at you for leaving me and I know that it wasn't your fault and that you would have done it different if given the opportunity.  Today is a day that I miss you more than you know.  You are going to weigh heavy on me through this week and probably the next couple. 

I'll love you for a thousand years and a thousand more after that.

525,600 minutes or closer to it each day

365 days is rapidly approaching.  So much has changed over the past year I don't know where to start.  I think one of the most important things I can say is that for better or worse, I would not be the man I am today without you.  I have come to realize there are things in our lives that are completely out of our control and it is absolutely futile to attempt to do otherwise.  You gave me the strength I needed in order to see those things for what they are and be able to do something about them.  Don't get me wrong.  I would trade every bit of knowledge I've picked up this year to have you back.  I would trade it in faster than you could say go.  But it is those things I have learned and the things that you gave me that have made it possible for me to be sitting her right now typing this out.  I realize there are other methods in which I could have done things this year but I got them done.  I'm still an A/B student and I haven't let anything get shut off.  Without out you, that wouldn't have happened.

So a year is almost upon me.  It's scary.  It's daunting but I know that I have the strength to get through it and if I don't, I'll lay down and cry and fight my way through it.  525,600 minutes.  I don't know how I should have measured this year.  I can do it in DVDs and in books and other frivolities.  Or I can do it in pounds and inches that I have put on.  But I guess through it all I should be able to measure it in memories.  Memories of me and you around every corner, memories I've made in spite of myself and memories that are going to get me through the next 40 years.

I'll face this challenge like I've faced everyone before it and I will get through it because there was you.

Love you babe.

Here's to 2011!

Hey Babe.

I know it's late and I should drag my ass in bed but I want to thank you for making me into a strong enough individual to sit and tell stories about you all night without being sad.  Even though you weren't with me tonight standing on a wall at a bar and drinking shitty champagne, you were sitting at Zach's place with us.  You made 11 New Years Eves special for me and you gave me what I need to continue to make them special.  Don't get me wrong, they don't have the same sparkle as they would if were were together, but hell....we could just get in fight like we did that year at the Chute.  You know I love you to the moon and back and just wanted to cap off a pretty bitching night with a quick note.   

Talk at you soon and here's to making the following 365 days better than the previous ones!

Auld Lang Syne!

Broken

I feel broken.

It started this morning on my way to school listening to Pink's Greatest Hits.  Everyone knows there are a handful of musicians that you considered to be on the top of your list and I know that Pink was pretty high up there.  I don't think it's something you would have shouted to the heavens or paid money to go to a concert but I know you liked her music.  Nonetheless, listening the the album sent me spinning through a tangent of memories, like I do.  It made me think of Charlie's Angels 2 cause she has a single on that soundtrack and it just went from there.  On my way home, I was listening to Madonna, which again....sent me on a trail.  I sometimes feel like I'm damned it if I do and, well you know.  I spend time filling my life with things that will keep you close to me but in the same breath.....I spend my time filling my life with things that will keep you close to me.  I watched the hilarious part from the Justice League episode where Zatanna beats the hell out of Circe with furniture and laughed my head off like always but it made me think about when you and I watched it together and that made me sad.  Harry Potter is at the theater and I want to go see it desperately but I don't have you to go see it with.  I think that's probably whats killing me right now.  Not getting to finish what we started.  I know, I know I can watch it but it's not the same without you.  I miss my friend so much that it hurts.  I have surrounded myself with amazing friends and people that care about me but my heart is still empty.  I'll get through this like everything else but it doesn't begin to change the fact that you're gone and I don't have you.

How it ends

Sean,

I can't really believe that its been over 2 months since I wrote last. I take that as a very good sign though. Each and every day, I wake up and you are in my thoughts. Hell there are some days where I still get reminded of you every few minutes. I was thinking about how I was actually a bit envious cause you've seen it all now. Literally. All the new tv shows and movies, all the new books and music artists. You know how it all ends or if it actually does end. Trish and I are soldiering on. You're gonna have big work with her. Just wanted to say I haven't forgotten you and I think you know that.

I love you and spend every day missing you.

Graduation

Sean,

On Tuesday, I am graduating from one college to go to another college. I will take with me an Associates degree on my way to bigger and better things. My life is moving on and I don't think I can stop the forward momentum. Every day that I do something, every day that I wake up and go to work, I move one step further from you. I hate that. I hate that the process of me living my life is taking me away from you. I hate the fact that I have to leave you further and further behind in order to keep moving forward. I know that you are in my heart and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you. Hell, there isn't an hour that goes by on most days.

Just missing you tonight.

Wes

Home

Kristen Chenoweth was back on Glee tonight and all the songs except Fire by Bruce Springsteen and Beautiful by X-tina were all about home. About finding someone that helps to make a house a home and knowing that person will be there to be with you when times get rough. You were my home. You made this residence something worth having and I selfishly want that back. I want you back in my life to make our house a home again. I miss you so terribly right now and it's not fair. Everything in here reminds me of you and my heart hurt tonight.

I was talking to Trish about it the other day and the reason I don't want to watch any tv shows is when I delete one, it takes me one further from you. We were watching episodes of Supernatural that had recorded before you died and it made me incredibly sad to see commercials for tv that was happening during that time. The episode of Smallville that had the Justice Society in it happened on Friday. I will probably never forget that now.

I hope that things are good where you are and that you get to see and do amazing things. I miss my home and don't know if I will ever have one again.

Love you, babe