Body Memories

Sean,

So last night I couldn't breathe. All day yesterday I had this image lingering in my head. It just danced around the outside edges of my mind and never came to close....kinda like you see the wild animals and campfires in those stupid movies. So here is this image just kinda dancing away. When I got home last night and sat down in front of the computer, the campfire went out and in rushed the rabid wolf. I was attacked and held hostage by my own emotions. While I was sitting in front of Facebook, Serenity logged on and I grabbed her to help me fend off the attacker. As I am telling her what's going on, my safeguards and all that fall and I melt. I had one of the most spectacular meltdowns I've had so far. This one was bad enough I actually could't breathe. Now I know you are tired of all this drama and build up...but it's my letter and my story so I can do it how I please. I'll get there. Anyway.....tear streaming, snot pouring and oxygen depleting I type out the following in Facebook chat to Reny:

I had made him sit in the chair to watch tv. He had already told me that he couldn't see any details and could only make out shapes. I handed him the remote and put the channel on Lie to Me on Fox. Our DVR automatically switches channels when its time to record something else and it switched to America's Best Dance Crew on MTV and he couldn't figure out how to change the channel back. Its just this god damn picture in my head of him staring at the remote and not knowing how to work it. When you see someone that has been your rock and your center in that place...it just really really hurts and it didn't hurt then....but its killing me now.

You see...That is the actual moment that I knew I had to get you to the hospital. I mean the lights were flashing, the sirens were blaring and all the cartoon arrows in the world were pointing the way. Now looking at it, my heart hurts over this and I can see you in the damn chair looking at the remote and you can't figure it out. You programmed it. You picked it out in the store and for me to see you not being able to use it....something was wrong. Even this morning, I thought I would be ok to write this to you but it still hurts me. Just reliving that image makes me feel very very sad.

Reny did her best to help me through it. She talked me down but I had to just cry and I did. I am still waiting on the big big cry I know I have hidden away in there somewhere. I'm still too reserved.

I did consume an entire box of Girl Scout Cookies right after the meltdown though. It seemed to help.

I'll continue to push through this and do my best but there are gonna be more moments like this. Shauna told me they are "'body memories'. Something small will trigger that moment and your body immediately remembers that moment and brings the memory to the surface. All of your senses usually come back and you can smell, see, hear, etc...how you felt at that moment." I'm not really looking forward to them but I'll do my best.

With a hurting heart, I miss you babe

Wes

Family

Sean,

I cooked dinner for the family tonight. I got all the invitations out and let everyone know what the menu was and all that. See you know as well as I do that you can't just invite one family to dinner in this house, you have to invite them all. Regardless of whether or not you want them here, you still have to invite them. So the invitations went out. Everyone was called, all the arrangements were made and groceries bought. Food is fucking expensive. The people that I knew wouldn't be here weren't and all that so we had more than we needed. Everyone loved it and couldn't stop letting me know how good it was. I am trying to take the compliments at face value but I have a hard time with that. I have thought about you on and off over the past few days. I haven't had a really good crying fit in a few days so I think thats good. I know sometimes I am gonna need to cry and when it gets ready for that to happen....bring it on.

I applied for a job today and when I was leaving the office, I thought to myself....Sean is looking out for me again. This time it started 11 years ago when you saw potential in me and had me create a skill within myself. I spent the next 7 years working on that skill and making it better. So here I am, in dire need of additional income and an office job drops in my lap where they need someone who can make flyers. Really?!? That's a requirement? Making flyers. I think I can do that. Actually I can use 3 different pieces of software to do that. So there you are again... Making sure I am taken care of by fostering a skill in me.

I wish you were here today to share in all this with me. I miss being able to hear your voice and being able to bore you or make you laugh or whatever. I ordered stuff off Amazon today. A bunch of it, well actually all of it means something to the both of us. Obvious things like New Moon and Farscape and not so obvious like Rights of Passage and Stonewall. I hate the fact that I now assign memories to objects to help me have you in my life. It shouldn't be this way but I don't have much choice.

Oh I am super pissed at the grief counselor. I think he let Trish's way of hiding things provide an out for her. I don't think she gave herself room to work with him and I don't think she afforded herself permission to feel things with him. Part of me feel like she did this on purpose just to make me shut up and another part knows that she has to want to do this. I wish he would have pushed a bit harder because I don't think she is going to work through this. I can't say anything to her because then I am meddling. All in all, I am not happy with the outcome. I'll decide how I want to proceed with this after I bounce it off everyone else.

Missing you,

Wes

Peace?

Sean,

The past two days you haven't been the all encompassing though in my head. I still miss you and it still hurts like hell without you here but I have been able to do other things aside from mourn. I know that is where I am supposed to be. I know that is what I am supposed to do but I look at my dad and there are more times than not that I don't think about him. I don't know if I want that. I don't know if not having you on my mind all the time means I am forgetting you. I have enough problem thinking about living without you that forgetting you is so much harder. I don't want to do that. I don't want to forget you. EVER. I don't really like living without you. I don't like not having you here but being able to breathe a bit and being able to function a bit is good too, right? That doesn't mean that I am forgetting you, does it? I think I am feeling guilt. That's what this emotion is. Wayne tells me that I need to feel my emotions and deal with them as they happen, not sorta deal with them and push em aside. So I think this is guilt. You wouldn't want me to feel guilty and you would want me to be able to function, especially when it comes to school. But it kind of feels good to feel guilty too because I am at least feeling something and I'm not just numb. Here I go again analyzing and over-analyzing. I need to quit that. Even Wayne says so.

I love you baby and miss you,

Wes

Oh.....P.S. I went and had lunch with Danett and Lisa yesterday and it was great. We talked about you and school and so much stuff. It was awesome. Last night, I tried to watch Celtic Women and I couldn't move it passed where you had stopped it. Kinda like I didn't want to watch it without you. I am watching shows for you so that we can talk about em and you can make fun of me for being me about the shows. I can kinda focus on the shows and I get something out of them. I still haven't brought myself to watch the Smallville with the JSA in it cause you were looking forward to it. Any way, I need to get off here and vacuum this nasty floor so I can shave and get in the shower and go to school. I have a test I have to make up tonight for sign language.

New-ish Day

Sean,

I went to see the grief counselor this morning. At first I was worried but we talked about a lot. I was about to harden all up when the Christian thing came up but we worked through it. Wayne is a really nice guy and I think in all honesty, things were a bit weird in the beginning but he was able to meet me in the middle and we compromised on a few things. I think that by hearing things from him, as a social worker, made things easier. I heard several of the same things from other people but hearing them from him was just right. It was how things were supposed to be. I talked to him for almost 2 hours and never once did I really see him check a clock. He let me explore my emotions as much as I was comfortable enough to do so. I think because I am who I am, and because I have gone over this stuff and over this stuff so many times, it can maybe come off as rehearsed or practiced. He tells me that everything I am feeling is normal. That the despair in the pit of my stomach and the loneliness that is kicking my ass for days is totally normal.

What still surprises me is that in actuality you have only been gone for 3 weeks. Wayne pointed that out to me, the fact that 3 weeks is only like yesterday. I am/have been trying to rush through this. I have been trying to do anything I can to make sure I protect myself. I have been outwardly strong so that everyone doesn't see me as weak. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to feel the feelings and I don't want to open myself to actually feeling through this. I want to know the difference between feeling the feelings I am supposed to be feeling and what I have been doing. I don't know if I can handle opening myself up anymore. The spontaneous bouts of crying and all that would probably increase like 10 fold.

I did leave the session with him feeling a bit at piece. Doesn't mean I miss you any less but things just felt clearer. I also liked the fact that he didn't say that things were gonna easier but I would be able to become stronger and work with my feelings. He said that I was numb and that was normal. The numbness makes things a bit easier to process everything. He gave me a book about grief and there is quite a bit in it that I am already doing.

I have some exercises to do between now and my next session. And more than anything I need to stop expecting so much of myself. I need to just roll with the punches. Cause I think I am expecting to be on step 5 or whatever and there are no predefined steps or places I am supposed to be. I am just supposed to be. It's 11:28 and I am actually kinda sleepy tonight. I know that for the most part, my staying up all night was a condition of me hurting but I think some of it has also been an act of rebellion against any rules.

Every so often, I have the lingering feeling that you are just gonna walk through the door and bitch at me for moping around and not cleaning the bathroom and not vacuuming the floor. I try to go on and live how you want me to live, but it is very very hard. I also kinda feel like if I am able to make peace with this it diminishes what we had. I know thats nowhere near true but it doesn't make it any less of a real feeling. I hope that you are doing well and that your days are filled with happiness and you are safe. I know you're safe.

Missing you,

Wes

Equals

Sean,

This has been a helluva weekend. Yesterday I ran some errands. I renewed the Sam's membership - which they told me to leave it as a business membership. I bought some things we needed from Sam's and then I went to go have the oil changed at Wal-mart. They wanted me to wait an hour and a half. An hour and a half!! I was like there is no way I am gonna walk around Wal-mart for an hour and half so I'll go back on Wednesday to have it changed. I left there and went and hung out with Gary for a while, had dinner with him at Ninki. After dinner, I went to hang out with Charles (who says fuck a lot), and I was there til 10-ish. I made the decision to go to Equals last night. I went to the bar and the only person that I knew was David. He and I talked for a while then I sat in the corner of the bar, drank 2 beers and felt miserable. So much was going through my head. I was doing a bit of people watching, I was looking at guys but no one was lookin at me. It was pretty sad. Here I am, 33 years old, pretty overweight and alone at the bar. The thought of starting over at my age is pretty miserable.

We had 11 years together. We built a stable life, a comfortable life. We had 11 years worth of memories. I was able to go through our music and pick out songs that had special meaning to not only you but to me as well. Songs that meant something. It terrifies me that I won't have that. I won't have someone to pick out music that means something special to me.

Today was certainly interesting, Sharon Ann and her family came down and hung out all day. Then the rest of the family came for dinner. After dinner we did a lot of talking about you. I cried (go figure) a lot, actually. We walked through what happened leading up to and mostly through the trip to the ER and the ICU. I still need to go by the hospital and give a thank you card to Josh and Amanda. Lots of stuff was aired out today and it was very good.

I love you babe and will talk to you later. I have my first counseling meeting tomorrow. I'll let you know how that goes.

Wes

Doubt

Sean,

Today has been an ok day. I had a moment of doubt in the car. I was listening to Blake Lewis, an artist you weren't even familiar with, and I started singing to the cd and I guess thats what did it. The whole singing in the car. That is when I am learning I am the most unsure of myself. Being in the car is hard. I guess because there is silence and I have time to think. Thinking....that is a problem. My brain spins at too many RPMs and I can nver really stop so it's always on. I stayed up too late last night - 3 AM, which caused Trish to worry about me this morning when I didn't get out of bed til 11.

Hanging out with my friends has been kind of amazing because it gives me time to get out of my head. But then the guilt sets in because I can't call you and tell you about it or I can't drag you to bowling or anything like that anymore.

I guess I have a bit of denial every day because I always expect you to be there when I get home. I guess I spend too much time expecting too much from everyone but mostly myself. I just want you to be home when I get there and that will never happen so I am still trying to learn how to deal with that. I will never be ok with it but I guess I really have no option.

Miss you more and more every day.

Love,

Wes

Guilt

Sean,

Tonight, Stacie and Charles came down separately but ended up spending quite a bit of time here. We talked and told stories and laughed, then Stacie stayed and we watched Project Runway. I had a good time, but then I started to feel guilty because I had been laughing and having a good time without you. I am probably thinking too much about it or I am maybe wanting to feel guilty on purpose. Maybe it's me punishing myself or something. Anyway...I do miss you and you know that.

Love,

Wes

Pictures of You

Sean,

This song always had meaning to me but it now means so much more. I know that if I could hear angels, this is what they would sound like. I hope that you can hear this.

Love you,

Wes

From your brother

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

Ambition

Sean,

I think I not only have been too hasty with my feelings but I've also been far too ambitious with how I think my days should be. For right now, at least I am going to plan for the absolute worst everyday. I'm talking uncontrollable sobbing in public to not being able to function. I think that for my sanity I have to do this. I woke up again today and you were the first thing on my brain and I immediately started missing you. That lead to me not wanting to get out of bed. I know that all of this is part of the cycle. I know that I am supposed to be one with my feelings and all that other touchy feely shit but there are days where it's all too much without you. I know that I can get through this. I know that I even have the option to harden my heart and stop feeling these things but that would totally dishonor you. And you know I am one eye surgery away from being Asian. I know with every fiber of my being you hate that I am doing this and I am going through this. You spent so much time protecting me from everything that not being here to help me through this is torture on you. Rob tells me I need to pick an hour in the morning or an hour at night and just cry through the whole thing. I don't think that will stop all the other times during the day when I do it either.

I'm trying to be strong and all that rut but it's hard. I'll do better but I'm not making any promises from now on. All bets are off and I am going to feel what I feel and push through em no matter how long it takes.

Love,

Wes

Lesson Learned

Sean,

I think I learned something tonight. I took you for granted and I never actually talked to you enough and now I can't talk to you at all and it's killing me. I miss just being able to bore the shit out of you with a school story or act stupid and tickle you til you get that look on your face and tell me to stop. I don't have anyone to do that with anymore. I don't have anyone to share my space with. Just to know that you'd be there when I need you to be. There are minutes where I just don't want to do this without you at all and then I have minutes of absolute clarity and I know that I can go on to be the man you want me to be. Why do I have to do this without you. It's not fair at all.

Missing you a whole lot right now.

Wes

Resolve

Sean,

Today hasn't been terrible. I made an appointment with the grief counselor at hospice for myself and passed the information on to Trish about it. I told her that she has to take the step in making the appointment. I can't do that for her. She says she's gonna and I want to believe her.

I got 2 of my blog posts done for Sociology. Pretty excited about that. I think I am going to just consider the papers for Weather a loss. I may try to do them, I haven't decided yet. I texted Lauren about you and I know that she is having a hard time with this as well.

Like I said, my resolve is strong today and I will make it through. I love and miss you.

Wes

Justin

Sean,

Today wasn't too bad. School was good. I talked to my friend Justin for about 2 hours tonight. I think you would like him. He came to the hospital and and sat with me for a while on Friday. He really didn't know how to deal with the situation but he did his best. I looked through my cell to call someone just to talk about shit like we used to and I really don't have that person. There isn't anyone in my cell that I can just call and talk about anything with. I mean there are people that I can call, but those calls kind of have to have a purpose. I could call you to tell you I saw a purple bird flying over my car and you would let me tell you about it even though you hated talking on the phone.

I talked to Trish about going to see a grief counselor tonight. She said she was interested and I think she needs to do it. She has some unresolved issues that I know have been haunting her for years. I hope she is able to go see the counselor and I hope she is able to get something out of it. Truth be told, I need to go see them too.

I'm gonna go take some medicine and probably get in bed

Miss you babe

Wes

Something Happened on the Way to Heaven

Sean,

I woke up this morning with this in my head. I remember when we heard that comedian say that there were only two creatures in the world that could hear Deborah Cox's voice and that was dogs and gay men. Still missing you today but I am having a better day than yesterday.

I love you babe

Wes

My Brain

Sean,

I'm not sure what I am supposed to do. I mean it's very hard for me to focus. I've tried doing my homework today and I just had no desire to read those articles for Sociology. I did take my test for Stats and made 130/150 on it. Only because I got pissed off at the data. You are pretty much all I can think about and I know that is actually not necessarily a good thing. I need to get out of the house tomorrow so I am praying the roads are clear enough to drive on. I don't want to move on without you, but I gotta try because if I stay stuck where I am today, I am gonna go crazy and I know you don't want that. I think I am primed and ready for a severe bout of depression to set in and neither one of us need that.

Oh, your cousin did some stupid shit today. He moved to right outside of Chicago with family he met yesterday. I know, right!!!! How bizarre is that shit. I got him with a pretty good zinger for you too.

Love you always,

Wes

Homework

Sean,

I'm trying and trying to get caught up on this homework, but I just can't focus. I have read the article but I just can't get it to make sense. I wish I could but I don't know. I am gonna keep trying but my brain pan is empty.

Love ya

Wes

Feelings

Sean,

I don't know if I ever actually told you this out loud, I know I said it more than once to different people over the past 11 years. But I kinda had a philosophy about how you knew when you were in love with some one and it goes a little something like this:

You know you are in love when the first thought in your mind upon waking is of that someone and the last thought before sleep is of that someone.

I'm quite sure that someone famous said that just as I have or they said it better than I did. But what I need to know is what if that someone is on your mind all day and all night. I know there were times over the past 11 years where the feelings weren't the strongest and there may have been times when the "I Love You's" were said out of habit. But today and probably for every day in the rest of my life, I will never make the mistake of taking my feelings for you for granted. I will never utter those 3 words without knowing in my heart of hearts they are absolute.

I think about you more now than I ever did in our relationship and I did take it for granted that there would be a tomorrow and a tomorrow after that. I now find myself glomming onto anything that we shared together. I watch mostly programs on TV that we enjoyed together just so that I can share in the memories we made during that tiny block of time.

I miss you baby and know beyond a shadow of a doubt I do love you.

Wes

Wow. Just Wow.

I know that you never really liked Kenny Chesney, but this song just pretty much expressed everything I'm feeling right now. I know it's only been a few days but I will always want to know who you'd be today.

I love you, baby

Wes

No Heroics

Sean,

My friend John, you met him at the bowling alley, downloaded all of No Heroics for me and I've watched the first episode and it's not bad at all. You would like some of it and the rest I think you'd call stupid shit.

Love,

Wes

School and Graduation

Hey Sean,

I was gonna grab my cell and call you on my way home from hangin with the game guild on Friday and let you know what was going on with my school. You know how much trouble I was having with Trig before you died, well after missing 2 weeks worth of classes there is no way I can get caught up. I know, I know....you would tell me I am full of shit and that I could do it if I wanted to. Well truth be told...I really don't want to do it. I don't want to jeopardize the rest of my grades and my potential graduation for that one class so I dropped it. Not only did I drop that class but I changed majors to an AA so I can still graduate in May. You know that I am gonna graduate and I am gonna continue with my education. I have to. Before it was all about me, now my education is totally dedicated to you and your memory.

I love you baby and miss you.

Love,

Wes

Valentine's Day

Each and every day I miss Sean more and more. People keep telling me that it will get better and it will bet easier in the future but the hurt never goes away. Today, I am trapped in the house, I don't feel good and I miss the hell out of him. On top of that....it's Valentines Day. Now this has never really been a holiday we really celebrated because Sean wasn't one for sweeping romantic gestures but still I have lost my Valentine. I started going through flash drives and our external hard drive just to see if the was some other-worldly message from him telling me what to do and how I should feel. As I was going through the documents on our computer, well mostly his since I use my laptop most exclusively I found this:

My primary I-Thou relationship is with my partner, Wes. We have lived together for almost nine years. For the first couple of years, I tried to keep things separate. He had his bills and I had mine. He had his things and I had mine. It turned out that it was just too difficult to maintain things that way. Everything is now ours. We own property together and our bills are joint accounts. We also share the responsibility of caring for my mother. Without him, nothing about me is complete and I know he feels the same way about me. When we communicate, sometimes no words are spoken. I can read his face and body language and know what’s on his mind. We share our good days and bad days at work as well as in life. I have helped him come to terms with his family’s attitudes toward him as an individual as well as with us as a couple. My family has taken him in as one of their own. That has been a new experience for him because he has never had a close family.

I knew how he felt about me and I knew there were times that his feelings for me were probably stronger than mine for him. That excerpt was from a paper he was writing back in 2007 while attepmpting to go back to school. Here he is being open and honest about me in a paper and I have had a difficult time acknowledging his presence while at school.

"Without him, nothing about me is complete and I know he feels the same way about me.", he says with certainty. If he only knew how true that statement is/was. I hate the fact that I will never get to tell him those words and I hate how I took him for granted and I hate that he did share with me just how sick he was.

Joseph Sean Minnis, my life will never ever be the same without you and I will struggle on somehow without you. But things just don't have the same meaning at all. Living life without the person that saw the very best in me just doesn't have the same meaning.