New-ish Day

Sean,

I went to see the grief counselor this morning. At first I was worried but we talked about a lot. I was about to harden all up when the Christian thing came up but we worked through it. Wayne is a really nice guy and I think in all honesty, things were a bit weird in the beginning but he was able to meet me in the middle and we compromised on a few things. I think that by hearing things from him, as a social worker, made things easier. I heard several of the same things from other people but hearing them from him was just right. It was how things were supposed to be. I talked to him for almost 2 hours and never once did I really see him check a clock. He let me explore my emotions as much as I was comfortable enough to do so. I think because I am who I am, and because I have gone over this stuff and over this stuff so many times, it can maybe come off as rehearsed or practiced. He tells me that everything I am feeling is normal. That the despair in the pit of my stomach and the loneliness that is kicking my ass for days is totally normal.

What still surprises me is that in actuality you have only been gone for 3 weeks. Wayne pointed that out to me, the fact that 3 weeks is only like yesterday. I am/have been trying to rush through this. I have been trying to do anything I can to make sure I protect myself. I have been outwardly strong so that everyone doesn't see me as weak. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to feel the feelings and I don't want to open myself to actually feeling through this. I want to know the difference between feeling the feelings I am supposed to be feeling and what I have been doing. I don't know if I can handle opening myself up anymore. The spontaneous bouts of crying and all that would probably increase like 10 fold.

I did leave the session with him feeling a bit at piece. Doesn't mean I miss you any less but things just felt clearer. I also liked the fact that he didn't say that things were gonna easier but I would be able to become stronger and work with my feelings. He said that I was numb and that was normal. The numbness makes things a bit easier to process everything. He gave me a book about grief and there is quite a bit in it that I am already doing.

I have some exercises to do between now and my next session. And more than anything I need to stop expecting so much of myself. I need to just roll with the punches. Cause I think I am expecting to be on step 5 or whatever and there are no predefined steps or places I am supposed to be. I am just supposed to be. It's 11:28 and I am actually kinda sleepy tonight. I know that for the most part, my staying up all night was a condition of me hurting but I think some of it has also been an act of rebellion against any rules.

Every so often, I have the lingering feeling that you are just gonna walk through the door and bitch at me for moping around and not cleaning the bathroom and not vacuuming the floor. I try to go on and live how you want me to live, but it is very very hard. I also kinda feel like if I am able to make peace with this it diminishes what we had. I know thats nowhere near true but it doesn't make it any less of a real feeling. I hope that you are doing well and that your days are filled with happiness and you are safe. I know you're safe.

Missing you,

Wes