Family

Sean,

I cooked dinner for the family tonight. I got all the invitations out and let everyone know what the menu was and all that. See you know as well as I do that you can't just invite one family to dinner in this house, you have to invite them all. Regardless of whether or not you want them here, you still have to invite them. So the invitations went out. Everyone was called, all the arrangements were made and groceries bought. Food is fucking expensive. The people that I knew wouldn't be here weren't and all that so we had more than we needed. Everyone loved it and couldn't stop letting me know how good it was. I am trying to take the compliments at face value but I have a hard time with that. I have thought about you on and off over the past few days. I haven't had a really good crying fit in a few days so I think thats good. I know sometimes I am gonna need to cry and when it gets ready for that to happen....bring it on.

I applied for a job today and when I was leaving the office, I thought to myself....Sean is looking out for me again. This time it started 11 years ago when you saw potential in me and had me create a skill within myself. I spent the next 7 years working on that skill and making it better. So here I am, in dire need of additional income and an office job drops in my lap where they need someone who can make flyers. Really?!? That's a requirement? Making flyers. I think I can do that. Actually I can use 3 different pieces of software to do that. So there you are again... Making sure I am taken care of by fostering a skill in me.

I wish you were here today to share in all this with me. I miss being able to hear your voice and being able to bore you or make you laugh or whatever. I ordered stuff off Amazon today. A bunch of it, well actually all of it means something to the both of us. Obvious things like New Moon and Farscape and not so obvious like Rights of Passage and Stonewall. I hate the fact that I now assign memories to objects to help me have you in my life. It shouldn't be this way but I don't have much choice.

Oh I am super pissed at the grief counselor. I think he let Trish's way of hiding things provide an out for her. I don't think she gave herself room to work with him and I don't think she afforded herself permission to feel things with him. Part of me feel like she did this on purpose just to make me shut up and another part knows that she has to want to do this. I wish he would have pushed a bit harder because I don't think she is going to work through this. I can't say anything to her because then I am meddling. All in all, I am not happy with the outcome. I'll decide how I want to proceed with this after I bounce it off everyone else.

Missing you,

Wes