Ambition

Sean,

I think I not only have been too hasty with my feelings but I've also been far too ambitious with how I think my days should be. For right now, at least I am going to plan for the absolute worst everyday. I'm talking uncontrollable sobbing in public to not being able to function. I think that for my sanity I have to do this. I woke up again today and you were the first thing on my brain and I immediately started missing you. That lead to me not wanting to get out of bed. I know that all of this is part of the cycle. I know that I am supposed to be one with my feelings and all that other touchy feely shit but there are days where it's all too much without you. I know that I can get through this. I know that I even have the option to harden my heart and stop feeling these things but that would totally dishonor you. And you know I am one eye surgery away from being Asian. I know with every fiber of my being you hate that I am doing this and I am going through this. You spent so much time protecting me from everything that not being here to help me through this is torture on you. Rob tells me I need to pick an hour in the morning or an hour at night and just cry through the whole thing. I don't think that will stop all the other times during the day when I do it either.

I'm trying to be strong and all that rut but it's hard. I'll do better but I'm not making any promises from now on. All bets are off and I am going to feel what I feel and push through em no matter how long it takes.

Love,

Wes