Valentine's Day

Each and every day I miss Sean more and more. People keep telling me that it will get better and it will bet easier in the future but the hurt never goes away. Today, I am trapped in the house, I don't feel good and I miss the hell out of him. On top of that....it's Valentines Day. Now this has never really been a holiday we really celebrated because Sean wasn't one for sweeping romantic gestures but still I have lost my Valentine. I started going through flash drives and our external hard drive just to see if the was some other-worldly message from him telling me what to do and how I should feel. As I was going through the documents on our computer, well mostly his since I use my laptop most exclusively I found this:

My primary I-Thou relationship is with my partner, Wes. We have lived together for almost nine years. For the first couple of years, I tried to keep things separate. He had his bills and I had mine. He had his things and I had mine. It turned out that it was just too difficult to maintain things that way. Everything is now ours. We own property together and our bills are joint accounts. We also share the responsibility of caring for my mother. Without him, nothing about me is complete and I know he feels the same way about me. When we communicate, sometimes no words are spoken. I can read his face and body language and know what’s on his mind. We share our good days and bad days at work as well as in life. I have helped him come to terms with his family’s attitudes toward him as an individual as well as with us as a couple. My family has taken him in as one of their own. That has been a new experience for him because he has never had a close family.

I knew how he felt about me and I knew there were times that his feelings for me were probably stronger than mine for him. That excerpt was from a paper he was writing back in 2007 while attepmpting to go back to school. Here he is being open and honest about me in a paper and I have had a difficult time acknowledging his presence while at school.

"Without him, nothing about me is complete and I know he feels the same way about me.", he says with certainty. If he only knew how true that statement is/was. I hate the fact that I will never get to tell him those words and I hate how I took him for granted and I hate that he did share with me just how sick he was.

Joseph Sean Minnis, my life will never ever be the same without you and I will struggle on somehow without you. But things just don't have the same meaning at all. Living life without the person that saw the very best in me just doesn't have the same meaning.